GOD.... i mean seriously god why did you create us with feelings and hormones and emotions and all that stuff... honest to you GOD, i wouldnt mind if this world just happy emotions happy hormones, 24 hour high, why can we not be 24 hours high!!!!
okay obvisoiuly if we were all the time high then how will we know we are happy .. again as happyness is a relative thing, i feel happy today because i feel better than last night.. i feel sad today because it was not as good as last night... so even if we were 24/7/365 happy, there are days where we would be less happy than others, which is well defined as sad... oh then by my logic we are always happy its just different degrees of happines we have ...
today, rather tonight 4 AM Dubai time, and came to saudi actually 8 hours back so its 3AM where i am right now and guess what i went out for a run around my compound, in my attempt of weight loss and muscle gaining and playing abs and so what of that i mean who doesnt want to look good, we all do and so do i... but the question how hard do we want and are we really motivated about doing it.... i have for more than 3 years been a regular visitor of the gym maybe thats the only reason why i am not over 100KGS .. but during these years i never been dedicated to its so i will go two months and one month not, or something like that, i would eat a pizza when i am done, no real decipline, however now i am changing that i have decided that i am for real going to have to do it this time, i am not going to make excuses, even if i dont my gym next to me i can do things, in cairo i can run around zamalik island, in saudi around my compound in dubai well god bless abundance of good quality gyms, that have even a steam room with hot men to motivate you to go....
so far i have been ranting about and havent really said anything about what the topic is which is the male hormones, more like my hormonal stage, fuck the rest of you men, its me who is important... (ok i take it back but come on, lets admit i am hot the world revolves around me) ...
ask any my friends i go through something what i used to call my "period", where it was just well when i was like 20-23 a period of a week that happens every bi/tri month where i get too emotional, here is the thing i was the kind of guy who would get sex on weekly or bi-weekly basis easily ,..,.. during this period of emotions, i get all like not lonely but how do you say this i think fuzzy, very lovey dovey, i dont konw whats gets into me but i am more into like artistic stuff, love the music start listening to alternative or ones with really good lyrics and anaylize them .... lately from 23-till now (past year and half ... yes that makes me 24 and a couple of months) this "period" started taking more time, more than a week, a month or more and well the last one has been giong on for now almost mmm lets say two weeks before i met Mr.W.D. so that will make it 21 september and today is the 20th fuck its almost two months now, the thing is yes i do have casual sex because in the last two month i did sleep with
1) Mr. Poppers (i was making him sniff poppers and accidentally got it spilled in his nose and so it got a bit burnt)
2) Mr. Italian (we went out i think for two dates, it was nice but i dont know it wasnt really... i dont know, no butterflies in my stomach )
3) Mr. CANNOT EVEN HINT, it just too bad all i can say i was drunk
4) Mr. Loco Gym Boi
5) Mr. Runner
okay so yea 5 guys in two month is not bad and well the problem is usually the regular me who is not on his emotional period would just consider these execept for number 3 as regular fucks and just keep continuing and having fun and not caring .... instead me in period is partying it up and here is the kicker while i am in a party i would day dream about someone or something and create a make-belief fantasy that only exists in my head and its becoming annoying that i am creating all these make-belief fantasies that i know that possibility of them becoming true equals negative infintie ... but at the moment all i have is my fantasies
NO SLAP MYSELF!!! see thats why i hate hormones it makes you wierd and say all those wierd things and the worst part of all parts when i had some of my co-workers in Dubai and even the one who dont see me on day -to day basis in Egypt and Saudi has been asking me
"S, what is wrong with you, are you ok?!!"
and they would repeat twice when i keep saying fuck yes i am okay they came up with some fucked up theory that i am in love !!!
i mean sersiously shouldnt there be someone out there i am dating first before i am in love !!!
well anyway appearantly according to work people that i have a secret girlfriend and who i am having some trouble with because i travel alot...
i am the kind of person who never cared about rumors as long as they dont hurt me, but this is just annoying i mean why would some keep asking me if i am okay even if i said i am ... i mean is their something written on my forehead saying
"Single, Hormonal, Having his Period Gay MAN",
okay maybe i know the real reason i am feeling extra hormonal nowadays however that i cant write now i need to wait a while before i can maybe it will be in one of my confessions that madonna can write as a song
Single Gay Boi,
S.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
20 Something: on the experiment
oh well, yes it might seem desperate putting the on manjam and gaydar,,, but appearantly SEX SELLS and thats the only way i am getting people in,
prior to naked picture, would have my profile online for like two days and no messages,
after naked picture, would have my profile online for a few hours ... and will get messages but really nonee of which are interested they are all just asking for some sex in some wierd position most messages i get are like follows
"hey i am 1 am 39 year old top, would like to make friends and relation with you"
or
"hey do you want to fuck me"
and the best part most of the guys who send the messages dont even have their own pictures on their profile and when they do its mostly either some twinkish not so good looking boy or some reallllyy old not so good looking guy, and yes i am shallow if they are going to invite me to sex at least be sexualy my type and read my profile.
i feel naked picture really distracts people from reading my profile ... oh well i am giving it another week for the experiment and see what really happens
but at the end of the day so far a week or so has passed and really results are not what i was looking for... so naked picture or not i guess it doesnt really make a difference
Naked S.
prior to naked picture, would have my profile online for like two days and no messages,
after naked picture, would have my profile online for a few hours ... and will get messages but really nonee of which are interested they are all just asking for some sex in some wierd position most messages i get are like follows
"hey i am 1 am 39 year old top, would like to make friends and relation with you"
or
"hey do you want to fuck me"
and the best part most of the guys who send the messages dont even have their own pictures on their profile and when they do its mostly either some twinkish not so good looking boy or some reallllyy old not so good looking guy, and yes i am shallow if they are going to invite me to sex at least be sexualy my type and read my profile.
i feel naked picture really distracts people from reading my profile ... oh well i am giving it another week for the experiment and see what really happens
but at the end of the day so far a week or so has passed and really results are not what i was looking for... so naked picture or not i guess it doesnt really make a difference
Naked S.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
20 something: the experiment
i decided for the fun of it, why not try to add a nude picture but not showing any parts on manjam and gaydar and see if i would get more responces...
i am betting 100 Dollars that i will ,,, anyone will to join the bet,
i am betting 100 Dollars that i will ,,, anyone will to join the bet,
Saturday, November 10, 2007
20 Something: After Dark Thoughts
o well really couldnt think of a title againa other than the fact of after dark, i am writin this blog at 2am while i cant really get anny sleep .... just thinking of a random of thoughts... one i thinki ran out of men to message on gaydar and manjam, i think i need to find an alternate means of finding ways of meeting men,... but it just strike me why do i want to meet men, why do i just want to date... am i becoming desperate ?... well no not really... i know desperation.. i have been there before,, i am just well i dont know... i just want a proper date... i am 24... and i have been all over the place, had a wonderful life till now.. great friends... i slept with over a 100 guys ... so sex isnt really the first thing that jumps into my mind i am just well 24 and have not been in a proper relationship, or as a matter of fact i dont have someone to call my own...
to be honest i think the fact of that is destroying my ego... am undatable? the thing i know thats not true, i had a lot of guys who wanted to date me, but i felt its was just for the wrong reasons, one they are not only relationship addicts, the guys who wanted to date me are guys who had as many relationships as their fucks and they are probably to justify their sex with the guy, but look also decent by just jumpin from one to another... and i dont to be involved with that...
so yes i am datable. i am great on paper, i will give myself a 7/10 in terms of looks which means yes i am okay looking not supper hot but okay.... i have sex appeal also, personality wise i am funny in a sarcastic way, work wise... well lets just say i have a secure life, so i guess yes i am datable on paper... but about when it goes to the proper date... i am afraid that i dont think i have the skills of dating or whatever it is called, that i slept with two many guys that the only skill i have is to how to get a guy in bed...`but what if i want to get a guy interested in me mentally, is there something i should do... well i believe not... i believe i should be the way i am... and if the guy is interested then well he is interested , if not he is not... however i feel there is hidden art to dating... and i am not talking about the whole rules (which i also dont believe in) when to call it, playing hard to get, waiting for an amount of time to sms.... i believe in the free spirit that i should do what ever i like when ever i like with out pretending to be playing some gay ... but probably that is my problem, that i am going by my belief and well... my belief is based on psychology... the crazy boy pysch... not the rational guy pysch... not how i act will affect him....
oh well thats my midnight thoughts,,, oh and by the way .. just to avoid confusion to readers this is not in regards to Mr.W.D. but rather to me in general, we are off Mr.W.D... (he is in the friend zone)... there is a guy i am going on a date on monday he shall be called Mr. Sweet... will see how does that go.
to be honest i think the fact of that is destroying my ego... am undatable? the thing i know thats not true, i had a lot of guys who wanted to date me, but i felt its was just for the wrong reasons, one they are not only relationship addicts, the guys who wanted to date me are guys who had as many relationships as their fucks and they are probably to justify their sex with the guy, but look also decent by just jumpin from one to another... and i dont to be involved with that...
so yes i am datable. i am great on paper, i will give myself a 7/10 in terms of looks which means yes i am okay looking not supper hot but okay.... i have sex appeal also, personality wise i am funny in a sarcastic way, work wise... well lets just say i have a secure life, so i guess yes i am datable on paper... but about when it goes to the proper date... i am afraid that i dont think i have the skills of dating or whatever it is called, that i slept with two many guys that the only skill i have is to how to get a guy in bed...`but what if i want to get a guy interested in me mentally, is there something i should do... well i believe not... i believe i should be the way i am... and if the guy is interested then well he is interested , if not he is not... however i feel there is hidden art to dating... and i am not talking about the whole rules (which i also dont believe in) when to call it, playing hard to get, waiting for an amount of time to sms.... i believe in the free spirit that i should do what ever i like when ever i like with out pretending to be playing some gay ... but probably that is my problem, that i am going by my belief and well... my belief is based on psychology... the crazy boy pysch... not the rational guy pysch... not how i act will affect him....
oh well thats my midnight thoughts,,, oh and by the way .. just to avoid confusion to readers this is not in regards to Mr.W.D. but rather to me in general, we are off Mr.W.D... (he is in the friend zone)... there is a guy i am going on a date on monday he shall be called Mr. Sweet... will see how does that go.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
20 Something: David Vendetta - Bleeding Hearts
Cant really think of what to write so i will let the music talk.... this is one of my favourite songs at the moment... bleeding hearts
We meet for a moment and then it's goodbye
but I just lived a lifetime with you in my mind
what would it be to live in your world
if you were my boy and I was your girl
it's crazy this spell you have me under
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder
what would my life be living in your arms
I feel I'll never know
and what would you say
if I were to stayand just go your way
this is where you lose your mind
and just let your heart unwind
you're blind don't lose control
you're mine don't lose it all
we meet for a moment and then it's goodbye
but I just lived a lifetime with you in my mind
what would it be to live in your world
if you were my boy and i was your girl
it's crazy this spell you have me under
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder
what would my life be living in your arms
I feel I'll never know
and what would you say
if I were to stayand just go your way
Could you fill in the blanks in my story
tell me what I'm missing what you could be for me
what would I find if I followed your path
all the things I long for that ive never had
it's crazy this spell you have me under
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder
what would my life be living in your arms
I feel I'll never know
and what would you say
if I were to stayand just go your way(2)
We meet for a moment and then it's goodbye
but I just lived a lifetime with you in my mind
what would it be to live in your world
if you were my boy and I was your girl
it's crazy this spell you have me under
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder
what would my life be living in your arms
I feel I'll never know
and what would you say
if I were to stayand just go your way
this is where you lose your mind
and just let your heart unwind
you're blind don't lose control
you're mine don't lose it all
we meet for a moment and then it's goodbye
but I just lived a lifetime with you in my mind
what would it be to live in your world
if you were my boy and i was your girl
it's crazy this spell you have me under
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder
what would my life be living in your arms
I feel I'll never know
and what would you say
if I were to stayand just go your way
Could you fill in the blanks in my story
tell me what I'm missing what you could be for me
what would I find if I followed your path
all the things I long for that ive never had
it's crazy this spell you have me under
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder
what would my life be living in your arms
I feel I'll never know
and what would you say
if I were to stayand just go your way(2)
Saturday, November 3, 2007
20 something: breakthrough
oh okay so how do i say this... MR. HIM, MR. HE has read my blog, dont konw if he would actually read it repeatadly but he did read it.. ... how did that happen?!?!?!?
Side bar note // so far i think i have only guy leaving comments on my blogs, mohamed, (thanks by the way) i do recomend others to leave notes
anyway how did this start... i think the weekend was pretty normal for me... went out with friends for shisha, and a game of cards (I LOVE TO PLAY CARDS).. and while i was just toying i think i send him an sms and get a quick responce.. my str8 friends say a flicker of a smile on my face,,, they are like whats up ... i am like its him, for some reason most of my friends str8 or gay oor even brother knows of his name... okay brother different story, i didnt want to show him i am slut who slept around, and that i easily get dumped so when i came out to him the a day after i met him i told him that i am dating someone which was a complete lie so i just used the first name that popped in my head and well yea it was him of course... i konw its pretty pathetic... BUT TELL ME YOU NEVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION BEFORE!!!
anyway the next day he was online, i actually was kinda expecting it, i see him online more often on fridays and saturdays than on the weekdays, so we chatted for a while, then more of a while then i think its just hit me i am getting more comfortable with this guy in a friendly way... and well i have this major flaw, i think ommiting the truth is lying and i hate all forms of lying... anyway so i had to elaborately drop in hey i kinda have/had a crush on you.. but then he brought up the opprirtunity talking about some guy and he doesnt understand why is he so into him so i dropped in hey i can relate because i think almost the same, etc....
but then i think i did something very stupid i got carried away and gave him the link to this blog!!!
all that was going through my head then is shit shit shit shit ... i mean on msn yea i said that hey i think i use to like you but my blog lately has been a total dedication to him he is ggoing to think i am some sort of stalker and want nothing to do with me... so i gave a him a little of warnings.. that it might come off as strong but not to look to much into it ...
he was like cool he will read it later, since he was going out that night, again in my head FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT i am going to have to wait ... and you guys have no idea how much of a nerve racking experiance it is literally i didnt know what the hell to do, so i did what my old self does best when understress..... have sex.
okay msn... who to choose for tonight... oh hey there is an interesting one... so i meet with this on this way to see this new character lets him Mr. Plant (trust me there is an interesting reason behind this name but well another time) ... so we meet up and promised we go for a run around one of the clubs of egypt, then end up in the locker having oralsex... the problem was during all of it iwas thinking of the guy who was sucking me off rather i was thinking of him... NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY but like on the way to see the guy i was messaging him, while i was running i was sending him a message, something about him having a crapy night out ... and now that i was in the middle of the blowjob .. i just wanted to tell the guy do you mind if i send smses during it!!! lol okay that didnt work... not to say the sex was really not good and didnt help a bit...
so the night has passed and he hasnt read the blog ... i could hardly get any sleep ... its just i have over a trillion scenarios going at the speed of light in my head at once. i dont know what to think what to do ... or more like what he would do
so called on my best friends AK, and he told me S, to be realistic i think you tried everything to ruin you friendship with him and him reading that might really scare him off, if i did read that i would get scared... i was like damn you are so re-assuring, AK, was like i just dont want you to get your hopes high or something like that everything was a real blur...
so here are the sceanrios in my head
1) he will get scared and run as far as way from me and not respond back
2) he will tell me S, i am flattered but i dont think i can continue to see you ... you are just too dramatic for me
3) hey s, its okay ,,, we are still friends
4) hey s, oh i feel the same way about you lets move in together and have our babies together
5) hey s, do you want to meet on the beach under the moon when you back in dubai so we can talk about this
6) HOW THE HELL DO YOU DARE WRITE ABOUT ME ONLINE WITH OUT MY PREMISSION
do you guys follow
anyway i finally get some sleep and wake up early morning traveling to alexandria, i am like okay no sms from him yet, did he read when he came back late night last night
did he wake up and read it... so i send some message which did not say anything about the blog, but the reason i am sending the sms to check if he is alive, got a responce back, then after the responce got another saying by the way still didnt read the blog... i was like good so he figured out i am toying around to know if he did read it... i am like oh what if he read it and he doesnt want say something so say that he didnt read it ... but thats not him... oh well
so later on while i am shopping with my mom in alexandria i message him again with someother excuse,,, he didnt mention anything about the blog,
then i am in the trainstation two hours later i am like hey listen i am a bit of psyco and worried.. and send you a lot of texts disgused to know if you read the blog,.. he responds back "getting a cup of tea and about read them"
thats the last thing i got for about an hour
or two
i dont know it felt like an eternity the whole 24 hours since i gave him the link felt like a week,
okay so an hour later i got an sms
"Get your ass on msn now!!!" i freaked out
i was like okay its a responce but the hell am i suppose to do i was on the train my heart skipped like 10 beats , i replied back saying cant on the train will call you in a miute ,
then while i was dialing him from egyptian phone i got a responce on my uae number. " you wont loose as friend" .............. oh now i feel relaxed
i am actually super glad, after finishing the call with him, called AK, and told AK see i told you that this guy is different, unlike you running away, might i remind you AK i did flirt with you a couple of times both sexually and emotionally three years ago but you never ranway :) :)
now that me and him are in the friendship zone i guess he deserves a nick name Mr. W.D.
so now that i am thinking about what happened during the course of a month oh and by the way 5th of november is going to be 1 month since i actually met him, but i am like thinking glad to make new friends in dubai, unlike my shallows ones that i do have with like zillions of guys ... but i also keep thinking what if there a romantic date... oh well there is alot what if...
Guys,
till next post,
it could be about Mr. W.D or some guy that i go on a date with dont know...
S.
Side bar note // so far i think i have only guy leaving comments on my blogs, mohamed, (thanks by the way) i do recomend others to leave notes
anyway how did this start... i think the weekend was pretty normal for me... went out with friends for shisha, and a game of cards (I LOVE TO PLAY CARDS).. and while i was just toying i think i send him an sms and get a quick responce.. my str8 friends say a flicker of a smile on my face,,, they are like whats up ... i am like its him, for some reason most of my friends str8 or gay oor even brother knows of his name... okay brother different story, i didnt want to show him i am slut who slept around, and that i easily get dumped so when i came out to him the a day after i met him i told him that i am dating someone which was a complete lie so i just used the first name that popped in my head and well yea it was him of course... i konw its pretty pathetic... BUT TELL ME YOU NEVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION BEFORE!!!
anyway the next day he was online, i actually was kinda expecting it, i see him online more often on fridays and saturdays than on the weekdays, so we chatted for a while, then more of a while then i think its just hit me i am getting more comfortable with this guy in a friendly way... and well i have this major flaw, i think ommiting the truth is lying and i hate all forms of lying... anyway so i had to elaborately drop in hey i kinda have/had a crush on you.. but then he brought up the opprirtunity talking about some guy and he doesnt understand why is he so into him so i dropped in hey i can relate because i think almost the same, etc....
but then i think i did something very stupid i got carried away and gave him the link to this blog!!!
all that was going through my head then is shit shit shit shit ... i mean on msn yea i said that hey i think i use to like you but my blog lately has been a total dedication to him he is ggoing to think i am some sort of stalker and want nothing to do with me... so i gave a him a little of warnings.. that it might come off as strong but not to look to much into it ...
he was like cool he will read it later, since he was going out that night, again in my head FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT i am going to have to wait ... and you guys have no idea how much of a nerve racking experiance it is literally i didnt know what the hell to do, so i did what my old self does best when understress..... have sex.
okay msn... who to choose for tonight... oh hey there is an interesting one... so i meet with this on this way to see this new character lets him Mr. Plant (trust me there is an interesting reason behind this name but well another time) ... so we meet up and promised we go for a run around one of the clubs of egypt, then end up in the locker having oralsex... the problem was during all of it iwas thinking of the guy who was sucking me off rather i was thinking of him... NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY but like on the way to see the guy i was messaging him, while i was running i was sending him a message, something about him having a crapy night out ... and now that i was in the middle of the blowjob .. i just wanted to tell the guy do you mind if i send smses during it!!! lol okay that didnt work... not to say the sex was really not good and didnt help a bit...
so the night has passed and he hasnt read the blog ... i could hardly get any sleep ... its just i have over a trillion scenarios going at the speed of light in my head at once. i dont know what to think what to do ... or more like what he would do
so called on my best friends AK, and he told me S, to be realistic i think you tried everything to ruin you friendship with him and him reading that might really scare him off, if i did read that i would get scared... i was like damn you are so re-assuring, AK, was like i just dont want you to get your hopes high or something like that everything was a real blur...
so here are the sceanrios in my head
1) he will get scared and run as far as way from me and not respond back
2) he will tell me S, i am flattered but i dont think i can continue to see you ... you are just too dramatic for me
3) hey s, its okay ,,, we are still friends
4) hey s, oh i feel the same way about you lets move in together and have our babies together
5) hey s, do you want to meet on the beach under the moon when you back in dubai so we can talk about this
6) HOW THE HELL DO YOU DARE WRITE ABOUT ME ONLINE WITH OUT MY PREMISSION
do you guys follow
anyway i finally get some sleep and wake up early morning traveling to alexandria, i am like okay no sms from him yet, did he read when he came back late night last night
did he wake up and read it... so i send some message which did not say anything about the blog, but the reason i am sending the sms to check if he is alive, got a responce back, then after the responce got another saying by the way still didnt read the blog... i was like good so he figured out i am toying around to know if he did read it... i am like oh what if he read it and he doesnt want say something so say that he didnt read it ... but thats not him... oh well
so later on while i am shopping with my mom in alexandria i message him again with someother excuse,,, he didnt mention anything about the blog,
then i am in the trainstation two hours later i am like hey listen i am a bit of psyco and worried.. and send you a lot of texts disgused to know if you read the blog,.. he responds back "getting a cup of tea and about read them"
thats the last thing i got for about an hour
or two
i dont know it felt like an eternity the whole 24 hours since i gave him the link felt like a week,
okay so an hour later i got an sms
"Get your ass on msn now!!!" i freaked out
i was like okay its a responce but the hell am i suppose to do i was on the train my heart skipped like 10 beats , i replied back saying cant on the train will call you in a miute ,
then while i was dialing him from egyptian phone i got a responce on my uae number. " you wont loose as friend" .............. oh now i feel relaxed
i am actually super glad, after finishing the call with him, called AK, and told AK see i told you that this guy is different, unlike you running away, might i remind you AK i did flirt with you a couple of times both sexually and emotionally three years ago but you never ranway :) :)
now that me and him are in the friendship zone i guess he deserves a nick name Mr. W.D.
so now that i am thinking about what happened during the course of a month oh and by the way 5th of november is going to be 1 month since i actually met him, but i am like thinking glad to make new friends in dubai, unlike my shallows ones that i do have with like zillions of guys ... but i also keep thinking what if there a romantic date... oh well there is alot what if...
Guys,
till next post,
it could be about Mr. W.D or some guy that i go on a date with dont know...
S.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
20 Something: An Email to him
Post Deleted, as i might have given him the link to my other blog " The Gay Chronicles"
http://thegaycrhonicles.blogspot.com/, just got to scared if he actually might find it
http://thegaycrhonicles.blogspot.com/, just got to scared if he actually might find it
Thursday, October 25, 2007
20 Something: another weekend in dubai
so the weekend starts yet again like last time when i met him it starts with a down note... lack of friends lack of things to do, just called on my few freinds and he is taking me out with his straight friends to some straight bar in dubai, where according to him i have to be in on my best behaviour.... appearantly i have a talent of turning any conversation into sexual, i am exhbitionist and well i speak before i think.. so i am very outspoken... all of which i thought are good qualities of me, (pouring a glass of champign for myself)... the thing is i dont want to sound like an arrogant self-obessed narcistic boy... which i am not, but i really really do love myself the way i am, i consider myself mature for my age (24) i have been through alot career wise and personal life wise, i have met alot of interesting people in my life, i believe you mature by learning from others and applying these lessons on yourself .... yes there is something about me that i need to change and that is talking about sex and being offensive, alot of people dont like me from first time, thats a known fact, ask any of my best friends or people i have dated, they would tell you they couldnt stand me the frist two times we meet .... well its becuase i like to keep conversation light and i really dont want to expose how nerotic, sweet, kind, or lets what another friend said about yeah.... a cuddly teddy bear filled with cream, i dont like to appear as vulnerable person, i know we all our insecurities, so i hide them by talking about sex,,,, and havent we learnt from TV, and Music Videos that sex sells!! if i talk about politics and economics and believe me i am very well good at talking at those a person will believe i am tooo deep, if i talk about arts, which i love i dont know all artist but i just like art, makes me too artsy, so i dont know i just revert to sex, and then appear as a slut... that combined with me being an exhibitionist !!! which i have no problem in confessing or just showing....
so tonight i have to be on my best behavoir ... so what i am suppose to do ... put away my glass of champign what i am suppose to wear i have to be straight acting!!! i hate that term straight acting.... because as the term applies its acting!! i dont believe in straight acting.. i believe in fem and butch. and either or i believe you are suppose to be who you are .... He.. (the guy i have been talking about for the past two weeks who i am NOT going out with today) is himself he is not butch... he is not fem... he is just a normal gay guy.... whatever normal is...
speaking of him, i think he is going through a tough time now even worse than before specially that he did something last tuesday, and i think well he is very emotional and he wont show it,... and now eventhough i like him reality is starting to hit me, the question is could we date, how we would be like if we date, would he take me out with his friends, would i introduce him to my superficial freinds, who i like on hi .. bye basis and party basis or to only of the only ones that i know here that hasnt been using me yet.... i had this dream of him last night... i had an island in the Dubai World Islands if you dont know what that is, its a group of man-made islands shaped like the world ... anyway i had scotland, and then we flew with my helicopter from his apartment building and went to my island, where later on i had a private party where Freddie La Grand, Tiesto, Trentomeller Deejayed, it was an invitation only party where only the invitiees would come by a yacht i have assigned for them, the party ended at 6 am and i asked him if he wants to sleep over or stay over he said stay over and we slept next to eachother (no sex) just cuddled and woke up and went skinny dipping... of course all this was a dream nothing more ... but i still cant stop thinking about him ... i tried to analyize the dream... the fact that i held the party was to try to do a gesture to cheer him up ... the fact that i didnt sleep with i mean not have sex with him could mean either i view him in a friendly way or that i view him in a more long term way (FROM TWO DATES) ... the truth and in reality i am viewing him in both ways....
oh welll i hope this weekend turns around like the last one i had when i met him, i hope it turns around because of him, that me and him do something nice,,,, i want to go out with him and play a game of squash... lets see if this might happen this weekend :)
Cheers,
S
so tonight i have to be on my best behavoir ... so what i am suppose to do ... put away my glass of champign what i am suppose to wear i have to be straight acting!!! i hate that term straight acting.... because as the term applies its acting!! i dont believe in straight acting.. i believe in fem and butch. and either or i believe you are suppose to be who you are .... He.. (the guy i have been talking about for the past two weeks who i am NOT going out with today) is himself he is not butch... he is not fem... he is just a normal gay guy.... whatever normal is...
speaking of him, i think he is going through a tough time now even worse than before specially that he did something last tuesday, and i think well he is very emotional and he wont show it,... and now eventhough i like him reality is starting to hit me, the question is could we date, how we would be like if we date, would he take me out with his friends, would i introduce him to my superficial freinds, who i like on hi .. bye basis and party basis or to only of the only ones that i know here that hasnt been using me yet.... i had this dream of him last night... i had an island in the Dubai World Islands if you dont know what that is, its a group of man-made islands shaped like the world ... anyway i had scotland, and then we flew with my helicopter from his apartment building and went to my island, where later on i had a private party where Freddie La Grand, Tiesto, Trentomeller Deejayed, it was an invitation only party where only the invitiees would come by a yacht i have assigned for them, the party ended at 6 am and i asked him if he wants to sleep over or stay over he said stay over and we slept next to eachother (no sex) just cuddled and woke up and went skinny dipping... of course all this was a dream nothing more ... but i still cant stop thinking about him ... i tried to analyize the dream... the fact that i held the party was to try to do a gesture to cheer him up ... the fact that i didnt sleep with i mean not have sex with him could mean either i view him in a friendly way or that i view him in a more long term way (FROM TWO DATES) ... the truth and in reality i am viewing him in both ways....
oh welll i hope this weekend turns around like the last one i had when i met him, i hope it turns around because of him, that me and him do something nice,,,, i want to go out with him and play a game of squash... lets see if this might happen this weekend :)
Cheers,
S
Monday, October 22, 2007
20 Something: wanna come out
okayi am not curred i am still have a crush on him, even stronger, .... went without with him for the second time tonight i just enjoy talking to him i feel like i never want to stop talking and asking him, yet i feel he thinks that i am a bit young, and not to mention he is still not well ready to date, at least he says so, but i do believe him, he is an honest and i dont think he would lie to me, i want to come out, not come out of the closet, i am already out of that but i want to come out to him in the sense i want to confess my feelings, but i am afraid to knowing that one he is not ready that two i will scare him off and loose the possibility of a great friend in a country like this, this is actually the thing i mostly i am afraid of....
today as we finished the movie had dinner, after we ordered the bill, we stayed for a while after the bill until the resturant was closing, after we got to my car in the parking lot i drove him to his car which was like 30 meters away and after i did we stayed in my car for another 15 minutes just talking and i felt i saw his hand on the door handle a couple of times but everytime he seems to be more interested in staying more to talk and to me guys that is highest form of romanticism even if he didnt mean it in that way but to me romanticism is more about the small things like this.... and the more he does it the more i like him but now as i am sure i like him and i want date him but the friendship prospect is also there, fuck i dont know i am jsut confused i mean i know what i want i just dont know how to deal with it and i am confused about how would he deal with it....
you know what i think would be funny if we hook up a month from now and he reads this later.. or if we dont hook up and he reads this
S.
today as we finished the movie had dinner, after we ordered the bill, we stayed for a while after the bill until the resturant was closing, after we got to my car in the parking lot i drove him to his car which was like 30 meters away and after i did we stayed in my car for another 15 minutes just talking and i felt i saw his hand on the door handle a couple of times but everytime he seems to be more interested in staying more to talk and to me guys that is highest form of romanticism even if he didnt mean it in that way but to me romanticism is more about the small things like this.... and the more he does it the more i like him but now as i am sure i like him and i want date him but the friendship prospect is also there, fuck i dont know i am jsut confused i mean i know what i want i just dont know how to deal with it and i am confused about how would he deal with it....
you know what i think would be funny if we hook up a month from now and he reads this later.. or if we dont hook up and he reads this
S.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
20 something: recovered
yeay i am back to my normal self, woke up today feeling not obessed about him any more ... i decided that i am crazy to think the way i do and most importantly its unfair to him so i have decided too stop my obessive attitude towards and just let things take course and wahtever happens i am happy either case...
I AM CURED
haha,
S.
I AM CURED
haha,
S.
Friday, October 19, 2007
20 Something: On Discussions with myself
Ok you must be lucky two blogs in one day!!! i am so in the mood of writing partly because i usually write when i down or confused or just not feeling right. and right now i am ultra confused and for the first time not about what a guy thinks but what about i think. let me introduce you to my method of my thinking right i am going to type everything in my head, i will write about discussions with my self. i guess my two gemini twins are having an arguement
if you have been following my blogs for a while you would have known in the past three weeks alot has happened for me, decision to drink less decision to stop one night stands and date people and meeting HIM. and after i met him things have been a bit wierd for me.
started off with a crush on him and total infatuation from just a one meet and greet, to knowing that he is not ready to date at the moment for personal reason i dont wish to expose. then to having another chat with him after waiting two weeks for him to pop up online
we men or particularly me, could be so stupid when it comes to men, i mean who do you know that would log in daily at certain times to check to see if he is online just to get a chance to chat with him for a week, if it was any other guys in my shoes they would have probably just forgotten all about it by now... but not me!!! why do i that i dont understand, isnt becuase i am incapable of controlling myself or my emotions or my acts? maybe...
so yes we had a nice chat today, and as i mentioned in todays earlier blog that this guy is well i dont know how to say other than perfect on paper... the only question remaining is he for me, is their chemistry, will me and him ever go on a date or just be friends ... or even worse... just phase out. well from his side its clear he is interested in the friendship zone. which to me makes perfect sense, considering what he is going throught... but my mind cant help to wonder what about when he is out of this phase... could we then date...
see what i meant by my stupidity i am willing to wait for him until he gets out of the phase, considering that when he gets out he will probably be interested in someone else then. so basically yes i know my chances with him are zero.
but i have a major advantage about me that can sometimes be a flaw, i am an optimist, as an optimist i see the best in things.... so i see yes there is still hope...
STOP!!!!!!!!!
look at what i am saying, i am already thinking about the future when i clearly dont know this guy... i even thought about his house, and sleeping in his wide chest while watching a movie, running together around the dubai marina or the beach, god u wanna know patethetic i am, i thought about to get him out of his mood as a friend i should take him somewhere nice by nice i didnt mean somke fancy resturant but somewhere where there is a view, maybe a deserted beach at night would where it would be me and him alone where he would let out all thats in him so that he could move on with his life.... i am planning 3 months in advance with a guy i just met once.... now aint i stupid? ... yes i am i know i am but the thing is how can i control my thoughts, keep myself busy... tried that.. it easier said than done...
when i said us men and in particularly me earilier i said that for a reason YOU are like me.... maybe i go extreme but we when we met guys we have all these expectations of him that we start to project them on to him, we start imagining him to be something he aint, or become something we arent for him, ...
luckily for me the second part is not true i am not changing for anybody i dont think anybody should change for anybody... if you want to make yourself better then make it because you see that there is chance for you to improve then thats why you should change, okay maybe i am smart after all.
anyway on him, i am confused because i know i should not be thinking of him that way and i know i am more than glad to have this person in a circle of friends, because of the same qualities i am attracted to him for which includes respect.
anyway enough of my blabbing now i think i am becoming repetitive
God Bless my sanity for the next days,
S.
if you have been following my blogs for a while you would have known in the past three weeks alot has happened for me, decision to drink less decision to stop one night stands and date people and meeting HIM. and after i met him things have been a bit wierd for me.
started off with a crush on him and total infatuation from just a one meet and greet, to knowing that he is not ready to date at the moment for personal reason i dont wish to expose. then to having another chat with him after waiting two weeks for him to pop up online
we men or particularly me, could be so stupid when it comes to men, i mean who do you know that would log in daily at certain times to check to see if he is online just to get a chance to chat with him for a week, if it was any other guys in my shoes they would have probably just forgotten all about it by now... but not me!!! why do i that i dont understand, isnt becuase i am incapable of controlling myself or my emotions or my acts? maybe...
so yes we had a nice chat today, and as i mentioned in todays earlier blog that this guy is well i dont know how to say other than perfect on paper... the only question remaining is he for me, is their chemistry, will me and him ever go on a date or just be friends ... or even worse... just phase out. well from his side its clear he is interested in the friendship zone. which to me makes perfect sense, considering what he is going throught... but my mind cant help to wonder what about when he is out of this phase... could we then date...
see what i meant by my stupidity i am willing to wait for him until he gets out of the phase, considering that when he gets out he will probably be interested in someone else then. so basically yes i know my chances with him are zero.
but i have a major advantage about me that can sometimes be a flaw, i am an optimist, as an optimist i see the best in things.... so i see yes there is still hope...
STOP!!!!!!!!!
look at what i am saying, i am already thinking about the future when i clearly dont know this guy... i even thought about his house, and sleeping in his wide chest while watching a movie, running together around the dubai marina or the beach, god u wanna know patethetic i am, i thought about to get him out of his mood as a friend i should take him somewhere nice by nice i didnt mean somke fancy resturant but somewhere where there is a view, maybe a deserted beach at night would where it would be me and him alone where he would let out all thats in him so that he could move on with his life.... i am planning 3 months in advance with a guy i just met once.... now aint i stupid? ... yes i am i know i am but the thing is how can i control my thoughts, keep myself busy... tried that.. it easier said than done...
when i said us men and in particularly me earilier i said that for a reason YOU are like me.... maybe i go extreme but we when we met guys we have all these expectations of him that we start to project them on to him, we start imagining him to be something he aint, or become something we arent for him, ...
luckily for me the second part is not true i am not changing for anybody i dont think anybody should change for anybody... if you want to make yourself better then make it because you see that there is chance for you to improve then thats why you should change, okay maybe i am smart after all.
anyway on him, i am confused because i know i should not be thinking of him that way and i know i am more than glad to have this person in a circle of friends, because of the same qualities i am attracted to him for which includes respect.
anyway enough of my blabbing now i think i am becoming repetitive
God Bless my sanity for the next days,
S.
20 Something: I am Mental
okay i was going to write about oh how well was last night going out with my brother and his friends after me being out to him, not to his friends though, and how awkward when of his girlfriend gave a homophobic remark.... and how i am glad that i am out of university and how my dream of being forever 21 has been gone into smokes .... but no today i am going to write about him again...
yesterday i spoke with AK, author of the The Affirmation Blog (http://glamnflash.blogspot.com/) and well we talked about him, and how i knew it wont go anywhere pre-hand and how well we make preceptions about a guy, and create a make-belief world where we could imagine our lives with this guy just based on how we want it before we really get a chance to know a guy... it was interesting talk, helped me get grounded a bit and more excited of a prospect of a new friendship with this man, HIM.
But then he logged online again i think i did everything against not flirting with him, i told him how great he is well the context was different, it wasnt just pure boosting his ego... it had something to deal with something personal he was going through, but i realized as i was telling him that ... that this guy is the ideal catch, he is everything a man wants in another man. highly senstive yet highly butch, highly masculine yet highly confortable with his sexuality, and there is chemistry at least from what i think ... i dont get bored from at all from talking to him, i am like stuck to my chair not moving when chatting with him on msn i dont want to even take bathroom breaks afraid to disrupt the thought and the chat ... the more he talks the more i discover about him.. one of the things that shocked me is that he is highly senstive, and well that he takes time to use this organ between our two ears in our skull (the brain incase you dont watch grey anatomy or House MD)to think about his own emotions, and also how hurt he is...
AK told me that there is a pattern with me that he sees ( i dont ) that i tend to get attracted to guys who need mending kinda like whats her face from House MD, where she always tries to fix broken people... and i am trying to mend him. i dont think that is nessacirly true with him. i am genuinly attracted to him, but i am also smart enough to know that this guy is not ready for dating ... he clearly isnt he has some issues to get over first. and right now i have this feeling that i want to be there for him to help him get over it... dont know why ...maybe later he will get attracted to me and fall for me.... maybe because he is just what will prove to be a great person to have as a friend that one day that i myself can find someone in a the new country i am in dubai (been there for 8 month which is still consdered me as new) to talk to.
oh well it seems that me too need to figure out somethings, .... but thats the beauty of not rushing things it gives you time for letting things take their course naturally with out trying to force it in one direction
oh by the way i am as i am writing this blog i am listening to the new song by kylie ( 2 hearts )
so till next post as kylie says "2 hearts are beating together"
S.
yesterday i spoke with AK, author of the The Affirmation Blog (http://glamnflash.blogspot.com/) and well we talked about him, and how i knew it wont go anywhere pre-hand and how well we make preceptions about a guy, and create a make-belief world where we could imagine our lives with this guy just based on how we want it before we really get a chance to know a guy... it was interesting talk, helped me get grounded a bit and more excited of a prospect of a new friendship with this man, HIM.
But then he logged online again i think i did everything against not flirting with him, i told him how great he is well the context was different, it wasnt just pure boosting his ego... it had something to deal with something personal he was going through, but i realized as i was telling him that ... that this guy is the ideal catch, he is everything a man wants in another man. highly senstive yet highly butch, highly masculine yet highly confortable with his sexuality, and there is chemistry at least from what i think ... i dont get bored from at all from talking to him, i am like stuck to my chair not moving when chatting with him on msn i dont want to even take bathroom breaks afraid to disrupt the thought and the chat ... the more he talks the more i discover about him.. one of the things that shocked me is that he is highly senstive, and well that he takes time to use this organ between our two ears in our skull (the brain incase you dont watch grey anatomy or House MD)to think about his own emotions, and also how hurt he is...
AK told me that there is a pattern with me that he sees ( i dont ) that i tend to get attracted to guys who need mending kinda like whats her face from House MD, where she always tries to fix broken people... and i am trying to mend him. i dont think that is nessacirly true with him. i am genuinly attracted to him, but i am also smart enough to know that this guy is not ready for dating ... he clearly isnt he has some issues to get over first. and right now i have this feeling that i want to be there for him to help him get over it... dont know why ...maybe later he will get attracted to me and fall for me.... maybe because he is just what will prove to be a great person to have as a friend that one day that i myself can find someone in a the new country i am in dubai (been there for 8 month which is still consdered me as new) to talk to.
oh well it seems that me too need to figure out somethings, .... but thats the beauty of not rushing things it gives you time for letting things take their course naturally with out trying to force it in one direction
oh by the way i am as i am writing this blog i am listening to the new song by kylie ( 2 hearts )
so till next post as kylie says "2 hearts are beating together"
S.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
20 Something: no title
Fast forward to now. so i got an sms from him saying that he is not interested in dating
crap. .... actually not crap.. because i did have my feelings that he isnt, and the best part he was honest about it, like all i had to do is a simle flirt and see his responce and he was an honest guy, but he said the friends, thing, which knowing him since he is honest meant good, its hard to explain but its not easy to make new freinds in dubai and as much as it sounds like primary school attitude oh lets be friends... or do you want to be my new best friend... but the reality is dubai is like that. eventhough a lot of people grow in dubai, but however it seems the people that i know or met on gay dar or manjam mostly moved to dubai. so that means when you move to dubai you are really on your own, and you do want to make friends you do want to build circles and for some odd reason when we guys grow up its just so much more difficult to do than we were kids i guess...
okay so what does this mean... ?
it means the guy is great and honest and i have lots of respect for him, and i hope he doesnt read this blog, because if he does he will think i am obessed with him, which i am not, but i have respect for him, and that makes me want to have a guy like this in life or whether as a friend or well friend ;-)
the reason why no title, for this becuase at the moment i am speachless, oh i guess i am still keeping my celibate life for a while... since the prospect of even dating a guy is off the table... and i really still feel strongly about keeping my celibate life till i date someone by celibate i mean no one night stands.. just when i date a guy i will then start (well if any of my people know me)... well explode..
..... welcome to my life.
S.
crap. .... actually not crap.. because i did have my feelings that he isnt, and the best part he was honest about it, like all i had to do is a simle flirt and see his responce and he was an honest guy, but he said the friends, thing, which knowing him since he is honest meant good, its hard to explain but its not easy to make new freinds in dubai and as much as it sounds like primary school attitude oh lets be friends... or do you want to be my new best friend... but the reality is dubai is like that. eventhough a lot of people grow in dubai, but however it seems the people that i know or met on gay dar or manjam mostly moved to dubai. so that means when you move to dubai you are really on your own, and you do want to make friends you do want to build circles and for some odd reason when we guys grow up its just so much more difficult to do than we were kids i guess...
okay so what does this mean... ?
it means the guy is great and honest and i have lots of respect for him, and i hope he doesnt read this blog, because if he does he will think i am obessed with him, which i am not, but i have respect for him, and that makes me want to have a guy like this in life or whether as a friend or well friend ;-)
the reason why no title, for this becuase at the moment i am speachless, oh i guess i am still keeping my celibate life for a while... since the prospect of even dating a guy is off the table... and i really still feel strongly about keeping my celibate life till i date someone by celibate i mean no one night stands.. just when i date a guy i will then start (well if any of my people know me)... well explode..
..... welcome to my life.
S.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
20 Something: on being mugged
mmmm yea i was basically getting on a taxi from a crappy night out in crappie costa coffee... and then while i was in the taxi i got well a knife pointed at me, empty my pockets, the guy took my phones, the money in the wallet he was decent enough to keep my my wallet and the cards in it... he took my tag huer watch that i got from my father a s present might i add its probably the only present that dad got for me... so it was a bit more valuable that 2000$ tag price it had on it ... here is me being silly, when i was being mugged i asked the guy if i could at least just jot down some important numbers from my phone, you know which number i wanted, fuck all the work contacts, they are all over my outlook, fuck all my friends contacts they are all on msn and facebook and what ever means, i just wanted his number, him. the guy that i only went on one date with and yet for some odd reason one week and 2 days on i still cant stop thinking about him daily. nor not stop smsing him, well at least i cooled down with the smses towards him even before the mugging i am like sending an sms every two days if it was upto me i would be calling every minute ... i just want to get know him mroe to know if my crush on his valid or not.... is it just pure sexual crush, eventhough out of the three dreams i have about him only one included sexual and not much sexual other than me teasing him and touching his bits. oh well i done what i should do sent him a message on manjam and now awaiting a reply from him... see even when i was being mugged i was thinking of a guy that i met once ....i think i am becoming crazy he better n0t be reading this blog ... lol
Friday, October 12, 2007
20 Something: One Week onwards
Its been one week exactly since i met him, i dont know i still have this warm fuzzy feeling that i met him, however i think i am not picking up a vibe that he is not interested. but i might be wrong. i just cant help to recap on previous dates that i had, guys who shown me that they are interested in less than a week i lost interest in them in two days to follow. but more importantly it cant stop me to recap with TIM.
to people who dont know who my Tim is, let me tell you, summer of 2001 in sydney i went there to visit my father, and ended up on gay.com and met up with this guy called tim, we met up, he took me out for a dinner in an italian resturant on oxford street (the gay street) then met up with a couple of his friends, then well i have a very self consious part about my belly but somehow while we were his friends in stonewall bar/club he slid his hands under my belly and started like rubbing it and then leant in and kissed me. it was my first kiss. i could totally say i was in love in first kiss. previous to this all i did was softcore sex with guys but never have i kissed a guy. i was 18.
the thing about tim during when i met him i use to go to canberra alot so i wont be in sydney sometimes, so i used to call him alot, actually for a period of two weeks i use to call him almost twice a day, i wasa addicted to him, which kind of put him off, but then somehow i stopped calling for 5 days or so, it was then when he got interest in me, anyway fast forward two month i wasnt with him in a relationship as a matter of fact i was never in a relationship but he is the closet i consider to one, the only reason why we werent in one was becuase i only lived in sydney during the summer breaks.
how does Tim remind me of him?or how does him remind me of tim?
well Tim was a smart ambitious, hot, and more importantly hated liers and was true to himself, and has had his share of life. but more importantly the feeling that i felt when tim kissed me for the first time is the same feeling i have had when we had this talk, i know it sounds like an obessisive behaviour but can one really control how he felt. and now that one week has passed my feeling is kind of the same hence me actually still writing about him. but i know this guy well not too well but i know he is not the kind of guy who would take his time before getting to interested in a guy, so i have not to tell him how exactly i feel so i dont end up scaring him... but just hint at it. oh well boys it was worth a try, and did i mention i hardly masterbated since i met him, because of the brain orgasm i got with him... :)
Regards,
S
to people who dont know who my Tim is, let me tell you, summer of 2001 in sydney i went there to visit my father, and ended up on gay.com and met up with this guy called tim, we met up, he took me out for a dinner in an italian resturant on oxford street (the gay street) then met up with a couple of his friends, then well i have a very self consious part about my belly but somehow while we were his friends in stonewall bar/club he slid his hands under my belly and started like rubbing it and then leant in and kissed me. it was my first kiss. i could totally say i was in love in first kiss. previous to this all i did was softcore sex with guys but never have i kissed a guy. i was 18.
the thing about tim during when i met him i use to go to canberra alot so i wont be in sydney sometimes, so i used to call him alot, actually for a period of two weeks i use to call him almost twice a day, i wasa addicted to him, which kind of put him off, but then somehow i stopped calling for 5 days or so, it was then when he got interest in me, anyway fast forward two month i wasnt with him in a relationship as a matter of fact i was never in a relationship but he is the closet i consider to one, the only reason why we werent in one was becuase i only lived in sydney during the summer breaks.
how does Tim remind me of him?or how does him remind me of tim?
well Tim was a smart ambitious, hot, and more importantly hated liers and was true to himself, and has had his share of life. but more importantly the feeling that i felt when tim kissed me for the first time is the same feeling i have had when we had this talk, i know it sounds like an obessisive behaviour but can one really control how he felt. and now that one week has passed my feeling is kind of the same hence me actually still writing about him. but i know this guy well not too well but i know he is not the kind of guy who would take his time before getting to interested in a guy, so i have not to tell him how exactly i feel so i dont end up scaring him... but just hint at it. oh well boys it was worth a try, and did i mention i hardly masterbated since i met him, because of the brain orgasm i got with him... :)
Regards,
S
Monday, October 8, 2007
20 Something: Back in Cairo
okay i will keep this short, its a mere extension of the earlier blog...
Night 4 of my celibacy vow actually to think of it i havent had sex in 8 days and havent masterbated since i met him. somehow the brain orgasm i had with him has made me more than entertained to think about sex... (well okay i lied i had sexual dream of him, BUT DID NOT WANK OFF)
very normal today, woke up not in an average mood, today is the day i have the walk with my brother about me comming out,
(Phone check in the morninig no smses from him (the guy not my brother))
anyway head off to the plane and listening to a select of songs of which one taht i reallly love Relax by Mika , plane takes have a ocuple drinks then plane lands switch on phone
SMS From him, oh isnt he a a nice guy, he is so sweet as usuall but not flirtious, which is something i like but hate i dont have any signals from him yet, but thats in the same time what i like because as long as their is negative signals thats good and in addition i would want to take things slow .... ever hear of easy come easy go... but most importantly i want to get know him more and i want him to get know me more, my classic mistake with guys. is i dont give them a chance to get to know me, or more like i dont get the chance, according to my friends, my frist impressions on guys are not that great so they dont really get a chance to know me that well, my friends tell me that i should take things slow as they say i give the worst first impression especially the clingy needy crap when i am really not.
anyway got back to my brother place mom and everyone was there me and my brother said hi hugged and so forth (we talked over the phone but still havent talked face to face about me being gay)
so after all of taht me and brother went for a walk that was like a a 2 hour walk... (TALK ABOUT GOOD EXERSICE THAT I MUCH NEED... ) well it went really well, he did bring up teh religious issue but not in the way i expected it he was like we want argue religion because well both cant claim to be scholars in it, and that he doesnt have false hopes for me changing and that he is supportive of it but obviously not like the excited but i think its just something by time it will sink in and it was one of the first time me and him have such a deep talk. it felt really great. it was like akhhh
and about my celibacy thing, well i logged on manjam curious about what is in egypt and so forth not hunting sex, somehow when i looked at the profile i just got this repulsive thing, not because they are ugly some of them are actually cute but its just the same people that was here before plus the new boomers... and i also did not send any message so that was another good move so far i am sexually content.... i felt like calling him to tell him about my news.. but i decided against it, its 3am.
Regards,
S.
i love my brother
Night 4 of my celibacy vow actually to think of it i havent had sex in 8 days and havent masterbated since i met him. somehow the brain orgasm i had with him has made me more than entertained to think about sex... (well okay i lied i had sexual dream of him, BUT DID NOT WANK OFF)
very normal today, woke up not in an average mood, today is the day i have the walk with my brother about me comming out,
(Phone check in the morninig no smses from him (the guy not my brother))
anyway head off to the plane and listening to a select of songs of which one taht i reallly love Relax by Mika , plane takes have a ocuple drinks then plane lands switch on phone
SMS From him, oh isnt he a a nice guy, he is so sweet as usuall but not flirtious, which is something i like but hate i dont have any signals from him yet, but thats in the same time what i like because as long as their is negative signals thats good and in addition i would want to take things slow .... ever hear of easy come easy go... but most importantly i want to get know him more and i want him to get know me more, my classic mistake with guys. is i dont give them a chance to get to know me, or more like i dont get the chance, according to my friends, my frist impressions on guys are not that great so they dont really get a chance to know me that well, my friends tell me that i should take things slow as they say i give the worst first impression especially the clingy needy crap when i am really not.
anyway got back to my brother place mom and everyone was there me and my brother said hi hugged and so forth (we talked over the phone but still havent talked face to face about me being gay)
so after all of taht me and brother went for a walk that was like a a 2 hour walk... (TALK ABOUT GOOD EXERSICE THAT I MUCH NEED... ) well it went really well, he did bring up teh religious issue but not in the way i expected it he was like we want argue religion because well both cant claim to be scholars in it, and that he doesnt have false hopes for me changing and that he is supportive of it but obviously not like the excited but i think its just something by time it will sink in and it was one of the first time me and him have such a deep talk. it felt really great. it was like akhhh
and about my celibacy thing, well i logged on manjam curious about what is in egypt and so forth not hunting sex, somehow when i looked at the profile i just got this repulsive thing, not because they are ugly some of them are actually cute but its just the same people that was here before plus the new boomers... and i also did not send any message so that was another good move so far i am sexually content.... i felt like calling him to tell him about my news.. but i decided against it, its 3am.
Regards,
S.
i love my brother
Sunday, October 7, 2007
20 Something: On the Weekend, (The Guy & Comming out)
oh my god what a crazy weekend (coming out to family meeting a guy work going good) , as you guys know or read in my previous post on my vow to celibacy till i date a guy and actually find him interesting then maybe kiss, i am also going through an anti sex where i just want to do the cuddle (yea u guys can make as much fun as u wan, i use to make fun of vanilla cuddly loving people, i was like if there was no cock in the ass then its not considered physical).
anyway maybe i should rewind back sunday 30th septemeber
on sunday 3oth of sept, i had a "date" with a guy who just came to my house and after 1 hour of well small interesting talk ... he was a guy with ambition. we started having sex and i might have accidentally dropped poppers in his nose, and now he hates me.
on monday 1st of october, i met this italian guy that i saw before he is a nice guy a really nice guy sweet, tender, and has emotions so it was like our second date, had an amazing dinner, then coffee and a walk, flirtious, .. went back to my home... but i think well as much as he is a nice guy as much as he is mature, as much there might be chemistry, and alot of respect goes to him, but i dont think its not the enough, it might be early to judge but i usually know these things earlier and i dont think we are going to work out
Tuesday, 2nd of october, loads of work, manjam/gaydar hunting... no progress
Wednesday 3rd of october, loads of 20 messages sent on gaydar and manjam and upgraded my manjam status to paying member so i can send more message (how fucking desperate)
Thursday , 4th of october,
Friends are busy, finished worked early, did the gym, sat watched TV, sent another batch of gaydar/manjam messages, no replies by 9ish 10 ish nothing so i was like fuck this online thing and i really wanted at this time to go on date i mean no sex just date just movie just something like that, so updated my manjam profile thinking that i probably wont get a message, then i popped up a bottle of champign, started drinking and watching HOUSE M.D. series, and that was the end of the day i get a message from an absolute hottie, but what was more interesting his message, i am not going to say what it was but i could say one thing IT DID NOT INCLUDE SEX OFFER OR HOW BIG MY DICK WAS OR "HEY THIS IS MY NUMNER", it was just clean decent messages, moved it to msn and if i remember correctly it was a really interesting chat then he said "can i ask you a question" .... i was like mmm shit i really really really hope he is not going to ask the TOP/BTTM or Dick Size question, ... but he asked me pyscological question which made me smile, stop the house MD turn on the music and start chatting with him, drink at a slower pace.
little by little we chatted for 4-5 hours, of which i was totally impressed by it, it was like the cleanest chat i ever i had,
Friday, 5th of October (The Greet & Meet)
came back from some errands at around 6ish bumped into my mystery guy again online casually suggested that we meet up for coffee on a movie, no expectation just coffee and a movie
so it was not a date, and well he agreed easily, usually with guys that i ask for that, they go with the whole excuse of being busy when they are not, or arguing for half an hour, it was just like simple and easy like it should be
meet up with the guy, i saw him, my jaws dropped, i was like okay this guy is 50 Times hotter than me, i am sure he would go and say sorry i have something to do later.but instead we did have our tea/coffee... then the movie..
when the movie finish i really didnt want him to leave i wanted to get know this guy more i was out of excuses to spend more time, the guy had dinner before the movie, well guess what he asked if i was hungry ... i was like wow, then okay because i dont like driving when i am going somewhere far or just not in the mood so i took a taxi to the meeting place, and he offered to drive me home (i was like oh that is nice) he did and i invited to come up stairs and he did we watched another movie..
but here is the thing we didnt touch, kiss, have sex, during the whole 6 hours, for some reason i didnt mind that (i usually do) okay obviously i had a crush on this guy, and i did want some verification from him, and i might have slept and dreamt of me touching his thing.
Saturday the 6th of October ( My vow)
so what is all this stuff about my celibacy vow, that i wrote on my earlier post and what the hell is this comming out, we thought u already are out to ur friends..
well lets start the day from the beginning, there are some little moments that in your life that you feel are life defining even it might seem in significant for others, Tim taught me how to feel, F. taught me not to trust, S. taught me to take it easy. basicall you learn from people and yourself and experiances and it is important to when you see something important that will self imporve you learn from it and dont just ignore it.
so yes i told you friday night i had this dream about the guy, i woke up realizing i eventhough i would reallu like to go with this guy on date, not sure if he would want that not even in my head, when ever my minds starts to think, it thinks that he wont be interested in me as a datable guy but you know what and i know i have said this before but this is a guy who i truly would be more than happy if he is not interested in dating to be on friendly level... and good friendly not the dubai friendly we have... here. because honestly boys/men/undecided/ladies/girls how many people taht you know in this country in dubai that are honest, genuine, decent, respectful, understanding, mature and has more than 1 brain cell. mmm if you do point them to my direction as i am a new person in dubai with not that much friends. okay so you get my idea... anyway this is something i will probably discover more when i get back to egypt... but what have i got from this experiance
there are men out there who are decent, proof i met one, there are men out there who are not just interested in sex, proof i just met one, there are men out there who are not all about the gay scene and clubbing, proof i have met one, there are datable people (even it wasnt this guy who was interested in me but the fact there are other people out there who are datable) so i have decided that combined with my my sunday and monday dates, that well just always turn out to be sex where i am just doing to be in some sort of competitin and the next time i met the "friends" i will talk about how much ass and dick i got. that i dont want to have just sex, i dont have sex on first dates, because well that ruins everything, it just becomes lustious and just focused on the sex and not on the personality and true nature of the person... with sex blood in dick not in brain. and hence my vow to celibacy... and about this guy... i dont think i will write more about than this to respect his privacy and so what of that but i just wanted to get the background of how i got the reason for celibacy.
so that was end of satuday
Saturday 7th of october (the coming out)
okay day dreamed as i usually do about and well got a couple of sex offers on manjam and refused them, why is it when you decide not to have sex it gets shoved in your face, but when you are looking for it like Tueday/Wednesday sending over 40 Messages combined i get nothing.
but then around IFTAR time got a call from my no one else but my brother
Brother: what are you doing
s: i am having iftar...
Brother: okay i want to talk you about something
S: what
Brother: dad is complaining about you lifestyle (my brother doesnt know that i am, gay but he did ask me a year back a couple of times)
S: what, is he complaining about, i am working till late hours so is he going on about think that i am excessive out clubbing and so what of that ...
Brother: yes, he thinks you are hanging out with Whores and Fags,
s: how could he i mean seriously he never met my friends
Brother: i need to know everything about your life, i am your brother and please stop giving me this whole bullshit about personal and not we are family, we have to know (he doesnt know that i drink)
so after 30 minutes i admit that i drink and smoke cigerrates and experimented with drugs
but he wanst convinced yet thats everything until
s: that is everything what else do you think is there, what is the worst taht you expect
brother: nothing is bad, i have dealt with it all
s: you did ask me something a year ago, and you asked because you said you dont want to be worried so obviously there is something worst...
brother: are you hinting that you have tendencies
....
....
...
...
silence for a minute or it seemed like an hour
S: maybe
brother: okay will talk about when you get to egypt on monday.
s: okay
brother: have a good iftar, and try not to drink in ramadan (jokingly)
s: okay speak to you later
hangs up .. i cry i dont konw why ... did i come out to him what the hell is .. i cry a bit more, because i dont know what is going
to happen what is his reaction, okay now for sure he knows i am gay what the hell i am going to do (guys i am an arab for a normal arab family, GAY = death)
so i wipe my tears, without thinking pick up the phone dial a number, next thing i know i was dialling the guy that i think highly of from the meet and greet. he doesnt answer, usually at this time i will feel bad, but i just called my best friend in saudi and told him and he was like why the hell are you crying... and if anybody knows me i dont like keeping things out there open so i am like listen M. i am going to call you back later
so i call my brother and onething to another and i am out to him officeally and he accepted it completely and was supportive i dont really remember the exact details of the coming out conversation becuase well it was being higher than any drug that i ever experimented with and he sent me sweet smses i mean wow (oh and the guy called back 3 hours latters, which well again made my high ever higher)
so here was my weekend started off from being hunting for sex to changing to be wanting a serious relationship to be out to my brother. i mean it was the most perfect weekend of 2007 the weekend of the 5th to 7th of october 2007 will never be forgotton and is a memory burnt in my head, this is my coming out weekend. this is the new me. this is giong to be less of a slut boy and more of a mature man. after years of fighting the fact of wanting to be 18 forever and in university for ever, i am not glad that i am 24 and heading to my mid twenties and now want to be here forever (not going to hit 30!!!!)
thats my story....
S.
anyway maybe i should rewind back sunday 30th septemeber
on sunday 3oth of sept, i had a "date" with a guy who just came to my house and after 1 hour of well small interesting talk ... he was a guy with ambition. we started having sex and i might have accidentally dropped poppers in his nose, and now he hates me.
on monday 1st of october, i met this italian guy that i saw before he is a nice guy a really nice guy sweet, tender, and has emotions so it was like our second date, had an amazing dinner, then coffee and a walk, flirtious, .. went back to my home... but i think well as much as he is a nice guy as much as he is mature, as much there might be chemistry, and alot of respect goes to him, but i dont think its not the enough, it might be early to judge but i usually know these things earlier and i dont think we are going to work out
Tuesday, 2nd of october, loads of work, manjam/gaydar hunting... no progress
Wednesday 3rd of october, loads of 20 messages sent on gaydar and manjam and upgraded my manjam status to paying member so i can send more message (how fucking desperate)
Thursday , 4th of october,
Friends are busy, finished worked early, did the gym, sat watched TV, sent another batch of gaydar/manjam messages, no replies by 9ish 10 ish nothing so i was like fuck this online thing and i really wanted at this time to go on date i mean no sex just date just movie just something like that, so updated my manjam profile thinking that i probably wont get a message, then i popped up a bottle of champign, started drinking and watching HOUSE M.D. series, and that was the end of the day i get a message from an absolute hottie, but what was more interesting his message, i am not going to say what it was but i could say one thing IT DID NOT INCLUDE SEX OFFER OR HOW BIG MY DICK WAS OR "HEY THIS IS MY NUMNER", it was just clean decent messages, moved it to msn and if i remember correctly it was a really interesting chat then he said "can i ask you a question" .... i was like mmm shit i really really really hope he is not going to ask the TOP/BTTM or Dick Size question, ... but he asked me pyscological question which made me smile, stop the house MD turn on the music and start chatting with him, drink at a slower pace.
little by little we chatted for 4-5 hours, of which i was totally impressed by it, it was like the cleanest chat i ever i had,
Friday, 5th of October (The Greet & Meet)
came back from some errands at around 6ish bumped into my mystery guy again online casually suggested that we meet up for coffee on a movie, no expectation just coffee and a movie
so it was not a date, and well he agreed easily, usually with guys that i ask for that, they go with the whole excuse of being busy when they are not, or arguing for half an hour, it was just like simple and easy like it should be
meet up with the guy, i saw him, my jaws dropped, i was like okay this guy is 50 Times hotter than me, i am sure he would go and say sorry i have something to do later.but instead we did have our tea/coffee... then the movie..
when the movie finish i really didnt want him to leave i wanted to get know this guy more i was out of excuses to spend more time, the guy had dinner before the movie, well guess what he asked if i was hungry ... i was like wow, then okay because i dont like driving when i am going somewhere far or just not in the mood so i took a taxi to the meeting place, and he offered to drive me home (i was like oh that is nice) he did and i invited to come up stairs and he did we watched another movie..
but here is the thing we didnt touch, kiss, have sex, during the whole 6 hours, for some reason i didnt mind that (i usually do) okay obviously i had a crush on this guy, and i did want some verification from him, and i might have slept and dreamt of me touching his thing.
Saturday the 6th of October ( My vow)
so what is all this stuff about my celibacy vow, that i wrote on my earlier post and what the hell is this comming out, we thought u already are out to ur friends..
well lets start the day from the beginning, there are some little moments that in your life that you feel are life defining even it might seem in significant for others, Tim taught me how to feel, F. taught me not to trust, S. taught me to take it easy. basicall you learn from people and yourself and experiances and it is important to when you see something important that will self imporve you learn from it and dont just ignore it.
so yes i told you friday night i had this dream about the guy, i woke up realizing i eventhough i would reallu like to go with this guy on date, not sure if he would want that not even in my head, when ever my minds starts to think, it thinks that he wont be interested in me as a datable guy but you know what and i know i have said this before but this is a guy who i truly would be more than happy if he is not interested in dating to be on friendly level... and good friendly not the dubai friendly we have... here. because honestly boys/men/undecided/ladies/girls how many people taht you know in this country in dubai that are honest, genuine, decent, respectful, understanding, mature and has more than 1 brain cell. mmm if you do point them to my direction as i am a new person in dubai with not that much friends. okay so you get my idea... anyway this is something i will probably discover more when i get back to egypt... but what have i got from this experiance
there are men out there who are decent, proof i met one, there are men out there who are not just interested in sex, proof i just met one, there are men out there who are not all about the gay scene and clubbing, proof i have met one, there are datable people (even it wasnt this guy who was interested in me but the fact there are other people out there who are datable) so i have decided that combined with my my sunday and monday dates, that well just always turn out to be sex where i am just doing to be in some sort of competitin and the next time i met the "friends" i will talk about how much ass and dick i got. that i dont want to have just sex, i dont have sex on first dates, because well that ruins everything, it just becomes lustious and just focused on the sex and not on the personality and true nature of the person... with sex blood in dick not in brain. and hence my vow to celibacy... and about this guy... i dont think i will write more about than this to respect his privacy and so what of that but i just wanted to get the background of how i got the reason for celibacy.
so that was end of satuday
Saturday 7th of october (the coming out)
okay day dreamed as i usually do about and well got a couple of sex offers on manjam and refused them, why is it when you decide not to have sex it gets shoved in your face, but when you are looking for it like Tueday/Wednesday sending over 40 Messages combined i get nothing.
but then around IFTAR time got a call from my no one else but my brother
Brother: what are you doing
s: i am having iftar...
Brother: okay i want to talk you about something
S: what
Brother: dad is complaining about you lifestyle (my brother doesnt know that i am, gay but he did ask me a year back a couple of times)
S: what, is he complaining about, i am working till late hours so is he going on about think that i am excessive out clubbing and so what of that ...
Brother: yes, he thinks you are hanging out with Whores and Fags,
s: how could he i mean seriously he never met my friends
Brother: i need to know everything about your life, i am your brother and please stop giving me this whole bullshit about personal and not we are family, we have to know (he doesnt know that i drink)
so after 30 minutes i admit that i drink and smoke cigerrates and experimented with drugs
but he wanst convinced yet thats everything until
s: that is everything what else do you think is there, what is the worst taht you expect
brother: nothing is bad, i have dealt with it all
s: you did ask me something a year ago, and you asked because you said you dont want to be worried so obviously there is something worst...
brother: are you hinting that you have tendencies
....
....
...
...
silence for a minute or it seemed like an hour
S: maybe
brother: okay will talk about when you get to egypt on monday.
s: okay
brother: have a good iftar, and try not to drink in ramadan (jokingly)
s: okay speak to you later
hangs up .. i cry i dont konw why ... did i come out to him what the hell is .. i cry a bit more, because i dont know what is going
to happen what is his reaction, okay now for sure he knows i am gay what the hell i am going to do (guys i am an arab for a normal arab family, GAY = death)
so i wipe my tears, without thinking pick up the phone dial a number, next thing i know i was dialling the guy that i think highly of from the meet and greet. he doesnt answer, usually at this time i will feel bad, but i just called my best friend in saudi and told him and he was like why the hell are you crying... and if anybody knows me i dont like keeping things out there open so i am like listen M. i am going to call you back later
so i call my brother and onething to another and i am out to him officeally and he accepted it completely and was supportive i dont really remember the exact details of the coming out conversation becuase well it was being higher than any drug that i ever experimented with and he sent me sweet smses i mean wow (oh and the guy called back 3 hours latters, which well again made my high ever higher)
so here was my weekend started off from being hunting for sex to changing to be wanting a serious relationship to be out to my brother. i mean it was the most perfect weekend of 2007 the weekend of the 5th to 7th of october 2007 will never be forgotton and is a memory burnt in my head, this is my coming out weekend. this is the new me. this is giong to be less of a slut boy and more of a mature man. after years of fighting the fact of wanting to be 18 forever and in university for ever, i am not glad that i am 24 and heading to my mid twenties and now want to be here forever (not going to hit 30!!!!)
thats my story....
S.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
20 Something: On Gaydar/Manjam and my vow to Celibacy
wow i havent blogged since valentines day, so why i am back, where was i, i remember i had a succuesful a blog with loads of post on weekly basis
i guess stopped blogging as my life got really busy with work and alot of that, and even know its still fucked with work but i am learnging how to manage my time better now,
in the past 8 month i could say i have had alot of one night stands, and guys that i dated for a period of weeks each and did i mention that i moved to dubai, so that would include more drunken nights than the ones i had in saudi, but i think with in these 8 months i have changed, might even consider myself have a part of me matured if thats even possible.
so what is todays topic its gaydar and manjam community,
here in our part of the world, the middle east, we dont really get a chance to meet people in normal places, we have became dependent on meeting people from the internet sites like manjam profile, you even have people who are paying members of manjam and gaydar so that they have priority on to appear on the top of the whose online list or not to run out of messages (i am that kind of person). you reach a point where you meet a guy off there at least once a week, with the promise of a great fuck which sometimes turn to be that way while others just turn out a total bore.
however after a while which arab country you in you start noticing a trend, all of the men are complaining like me about the gaydar and manjam saying how much they hate it yet they still use it. we complain about how there is no one decent yet we ourselves are the ones who are looking for the one night stands, and not really ready to commit to date. we complain that on the first question with chat the guy always ask the the most horrible two question "size of your cock" and "top or bottom" ... and somehow everyone turns out to be a bottom no matter what people say (this is where you laugh) ... i guess what i am trying to say is that we are all alike more than 60% of the users online wants good decent dates, but it seems taht all 100% of them are complaining about that there doesnt exist, does that make any sense .... i mean i am man of science and logic and it doesnt make sense to me.
so where is the issue ... it is in us... it is in us claiming that we want something then doing something else. we claim we dates and we end up on night stands. at least i will be honest here thats true for me.... i have so far. i go on i am like guys i want dates and then almost always we go to coffee or they come over for a drink and no more than an hour naked and ass banging while sniffing poppers, i think my bed will be my witness. i justified this to myself by saying hey before i buy the car shall i not going it on a test drive, but usually the sex is good, its what is after the sex that is not good.
maybe i have it wrong i should be discovering the guys brains then trying the sex, i mean since almost most of the time the sex is good and i have a friend who told me the sex is so much better when you know the person well (that is my famous TIM, for new readers of the blog, thats the one guy that had the most effect on my life and that i am thankful and will forever love as my dearest friend and will always trust with anything)
so based on this assumption i am have decided following:
1. NO MORE SEX DATES
2. NO MORE ONE NIGHT STANDS
3. NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH A GUY ON A FIRST DATE OR EVEN KISS
4. NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH GUYS ON SECOND DATES
5. MAYBE ON THIRD DATES.
6. WONT SLEEP WITH A GUY UNLESS I AM SURE HE IS A PERSON THAT I COULD CONTINUE ON DATING
7. LESS ALCOHOL CONSUMPTIONS
whats the point of rule 3-6 well its simple, i want to give myself time before sleeping with the guy to get actually get to know because once sex happens the whole dynamics of the date changes, all you want to do is sleep more and more and more and you hardly give yourself time, so why not get to know the person before you actually get to know him, trust me i think i think if you meet a right person that mind orgasms you more than physical orgasm you will care more about getting more of the mind orgasm rather than the sex (at least i am going through something similar now, at least just from my side, okay i am confused but wahtever, i am always confused)
reason for rule 7 well we all love alcohol but i think i might getting a problem where i might start reaching a point of becoming an alcoholic so that will have to stop that i dont want to be an alcoholic, plus too much drinking leads to a unhealthy body and makes me do stupid things like end up confessing my love or end up sending 50 messages on manjam looking for a one night stand which will contridict point 3-6
so boys to sum up the reason why we all complain about manjam and gaydar with blatent slogan "what you want when you want" is not because of everyone else out in the world is crap, what is important is that we notice that we are part of this everyone else which means, its because we ourselves need to change ourselves. we all are part of this interconnected web. and we have to make with the best we have, as we dont have the luxury of meeting someone in the nieghbourhood bar easily or maybe we do in some bars you know which ones i am talking about.
so guys enjoy and lets hope that i can keep the new vows i kept to myself i never know and will keep you updated in next week's blog
Regards,
S.
i guess stopped blogging as my life got really busy with work and alot of that, and even know its still fucked with work but i am learnging how to manage my time better now,
in the past 8 month i could say i have had alot of one night stands, and guys that i dated for a period of weeks each and did i mention that i moved to dubai, so that would include more drunken nights than the ones i had in saudi, but i think with in these 8 months i have changed, might even consider myself have a part of me matured if thats even possible.
so what is todays topic its gaydar and manjam community,
here in our part of the world, the middle east, we dont really get a chance to meet people in normal places, we have became dependent on meeting people from the internet sites like manjam profile, you even have people who are paying members of manjam and gaydar so that they have priority on to appear on the top of the whose online list or not to run out of messages (i am that kind of person). you reach a point where you meet a guy off there at least once a week, with the promise of a great fuck which sometimes turn to be that way while others just turn out a total bore.
however after a while which arab country you in you start noticing a trend, all of the men are complaining like me about the gaydar and manjam saying how much they hate it yet they still use it. we complain about how there is no one decent yet we ourselves are the ones who are looking for the one night stands, and not really ready to commit to date. we complain that on the first question with chat the guy always ask the the most horrible two question "size of your cock" and "top or bottom" ... and somehow everyone turns out to be a bottom no matter what people say (this is where you laugh) ... i guess what i am trying to say is that we are all alike more than 60% of the users online wants good decent dates, but it seems taht all 100% of them are complaining about that there doesnt exist, does that make any sense .... i mean i am man of science and logic and it doesnt make sense to me.
so where is the issue ... it is in us... it is in us claiming that we want something then doing something else. we claim we dates and we end up on night stands. at least i will be honest here thats true for me.... i have so far. i go on i am like guys i want dates and then almost always we go to coffee or they come over for a drink and no more than an hour naked and ass banging while sniffing poppers, i think my bed will be my witness. i justified this to myself by saying hey before i buy the car shall i not going it on a test drive, but usually the sex is good, its what is after the sex that is not good.
maybe i have it wrong i should be discovering the guys brains then trying the sex, i mean since almost most of the time the sex is good and i have a friend who told me the sex is so much better when you know the person well (that is my famous TIM, for new readers of the blog, thats the one guy that had the most effect on my life and that i am thankful and will forever love as my dearest friend and will always trust with anything)
so based on this assumption i am have decided following:
1. NO MORE SEX DATES
2. NO MORE ONE NIGHT STANDS
3. NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH A GUY ON A FIRST DATE OR EVEN KISS
4. NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH GUYS ON SECOND DATES
5. MAYBE ON THIRD DATES.
6. WONT SLEEP WITH A GUY UNLESS I AM SURE HE IS A PERSON THAT I COULD CONTINUE ON DATING
7. LESS ALCOHOL CONSUMPTIONS
whats the point of rule 3-6 well its simple, i want to give myself time before sleeping with the guy to get actually get to know because once sex happens the whole dynamics of the date changes, all you want to do is sleep more and more and more and you hardly give yourself time, so why not get to know the person before you actually get to know him, trust me i think i think if you meet a right person that mind orgasms you more than physical orgasm you will care more about getting more of the mind orgasm rather than the sex (at least i am going through something similar now, at least just from my side, okay i am confused but wahtever, i am always confused)
reason for rule 7 well we all love alcohol but i think i might getting a problem where i might start reaching a point of becoming an alcoholic so that will have to stop that i dont want to be an alcoholic, plus too much drinking leads to a unhealthy body and makes me do stupid things like end up confessing my love or end up sending 50 messages on manjam looking for a one night stand which will contridict point 3-6
so boys to sum up the reason why we all complain about manjam and gaydar with blatent slogan "what you want when you want" is not because of everyone else out in the world is crap, what is important is that we notice that we are part of this everyone else which means, its because we ourselves need to change ourselves. we all are part of this interconnected web. and we have to make with the best we have, as we dont have the luxury of meeting someone in the nieghbourhood bar easily or maybe we do in some bars you know which ones i am talking about.
so guys enjoy and lets hope that i can keep the new vows i kept to myself i never know and will keep you updated in next week's blog
Regards,
S.
Monday, February 12, 2007
20 Something: On V-Day
Valentines day is coming up tomorrow… flower shops making a lot of money … a lot of animals on sale (both stuffed and breathing) … people buying cheap gifts or over priced ones… other panicking about what to get … and yet me single again, no V-Day for me for the 23rd year in a row… Actually almost last year was close to having one except things got kinda messed up at last minute and ended up breaking up with the guy I was with the day after.
I kind of hate V-Day I think its way over the top and over done, but then people say that because I never experienced it and never had a boyfriend could be a reason, I think not.
Actually I look at the people gay or straight but obviously my perception is on the gay side more, and just cant help it seeing these fake couples together not because the love each other, hence the word fake, but because they are so desperate for the notion of love, so desperate for the attention, that they just go into the first relationship in front of them… actually I think a friend of mine, a fellow writer in mithly.com describes this notion better in this month edition of mithly.com under his monthly column Fags and the City in the scenology section. 9
Anyway in the spirit of Valentines Day I will keep this post short, and ended here
Regards
S.
Keywords: Gay Arab, Gay Saudi Arabia, Gay Egypt, Gay, Queer Islam
I kind of hate V-Day I think its way over the top and over done, but then people say that because I never experienced it and never had a boyfriend could be a reason, I think not.
Actually I look at the people gay or straight but obviously my perception is on the gay side more, and just cant help it seeing these fake couples together not because the love each other, hence the word fake, but because they are so desperate for the notion of love, so desperate for the attention, that they just go into the first relationship in front of them… actually I think a friend of mine, a fellow writer in mithly.com describes this notion better in this month edition of mithly.com under his monthly column Fags and the City in the scenology section. 9
Anyway in the spirit of Valentines Day I will keep this post short, and ended here
Regards
S.
Keywords: Gay Arab, Gay Saudi Arabia, Gay Egypt, Gay, Queer Islam
Valentines day is coming up tomorrow… flower shops making a lot of money … a lot of animals on sale (both stuffed and breathing) … people buying cheap gifts or over priced ones… other panicking about what to get … and yet me single again, no V-Day for me for the 23rd year in a row… Actually almost last year was close to having one except things got kinda messed up at last minute and ended up breaking up with the guy I was with the day after.
I kind of hate V-Day I think its way over the top and over done, but then people say that because I never experienced it and never had a boyfriend could be a reason, I think not.
Actually I look at the people gay or straight but obviously my perception is on the gay side more, and just cant help it seeing these fake couples together not because the love each other, hence the word fake, but because they are so desperate for the notion of love, so desperate for the attention, that they just go into the first relationship in front of them… actually I think a friend of mine, a fellow writer in mithly.com describes this notion better in this month edition of mithly.com under his monthly column Fags and the City in the scenology section. 9
Anyway in the spirit of Valentines Day I will keep this post short, and ended here
Regards
S.
Keywords: Gay Arab, Gay Saudi Arabia, Gay Egypt, Gay, Queer Islam
I kind of hate V-Day I think its way over the top and over done, but then people say that because I never experienced it and never had a boyfriend could be a reason, I think not.
Actually I look at the people gay or straight but obviously my perception is on the gay side more, and just cant help it seeing these fake couples together not because the love each other, hence the word fake, but because they are so desperate for the notion of love, so desperate for the attention, that they just go into the first relationship in front of them… actually I think a friend of mine, a fellow writer in mithly.com describes this notion better in this month edition of mithly.com under his monthly column Fags and the City in the scenology section. 9
Anyway in the spirit of Valentines Day I will keep this post short, and ended here
Regards
S.
Keywords: Gay Arab, Gay Saudi Arabia, Gay Egypt, Gay, Queer Islam
Saturday, February 10, 2007
20 Something: On it being hard being Gay
Ah, a fresh new look to my blog… and a fresh new start, a new era… there is a reason why everything has changed,
Speaking of a new things Mithly.com is about to launch in a couple of days, it’s an online gay Arab magazine in two languages (Arabic & English). It’s going to cover a variety of topics from sex, health, music, fashion, the scene of the Arab cities, sociology and so forth. It is a definite read as it is informative as it uncensored and thought provoking,
I think I should change my career and become a PR agent.
Anyhow today’s blog topic, for the past weekends I have travelled to Egypt (I currently reside in Saudi Arabia, but I am an Egyptian) and met up with a couple of friends, then one of my friends introduced me to another friend of his who has issues and wanted me to like talk to him … let call his friends Mr. Confused.
Mr. Confused had some issues with breaking with up a guy, basically withdrawal issues, he couldn’t stop talking to him even after the broke up, and every time they talked, Mr. Confused would be hurt… so I tried to approach him from the philosophy of why go after something that causes you so much agony, shouldn’t you just go steer away from it instead of causing pain to yourself.
I am not here to write about why did he break up or what he should do to get through this mess break up. When I asked confused why you still talk to him, he said and I quote “because I feel sorry for him, its hard being gay here”. When I heard him say that I went mental on his ass. Now that’s today’s topic.
I am not going to deny the fact that it is relatively hard here to be gay, as coming out and all that stuff… but hey I lived here and I did come out to some friends … maybe I am special case or part of a rare thing. But the excuse the guy used he said it in a way like we are gay we have our own problems in relationship.
Out of experience of years helping my straight friends through their relationships and giving advice.. or providing a shoulder for the straight guy to cry on. I noticed something, there is no difference between our problems and there its always the same, and if he is going to use this excuse of its being hard of being gay then nobody should ever break up with another person just out of pure guilt. They also do have problems in social issues just like we do…
The fact that we are gay, true makes it harder for us to express ourselves, since the social acceptance of it isn’t that high on the list. But if we start to cave in to this, if we start saying oh I cant because its hard, then what the hell will we accomplish, will we just be hidden in the shadows, NO I DON’T THINK SO. There is two reasons why I came out to my friends, one is to feel more myself around them and stop lying, the second is to educate them, they had a huge misconception of gay people in Egypt, thinking that they don’t exist and maybe only on a number counted on the hand, and those who are gay are just feminine ones, they didn’t think there exist other than the feminine scene. I have introduced them to another two of my gay friends. And its like their whole homophobia went away… not that they were homophobic, they where just homo-illiterate.
So to conclude today’s rambling and on going talk, don’t ever let the excuse its harder for us gay people stop you from doing anything… especially if its something trivial as breaking ties with an old obsessive ex, who just uses and drags the energy out of your soul
Regards,
S.
Speaking of a new things Mithly.com is about to launch in a couple of days, it’s an online gay Arab magazine in two languages (Arabic & English). It’s going to cover a variety of topics from sex, health, music, fashion, the scene of the Arab cities, sociology and so forth. It is a definite read as it is informative as it uncensored and thought provoking,
I think I should change my career and become a PR agent.
Anyhow today’s blog topic, for the past weekends I have travelled to Egypt (I currently reside in Saudi Arabia, but I am an Egyptian) and met up with a couple of friends, then one of my friends introduced me to another friend of his who has issues and wanted me to like talk to him … let call his friends Mr. Confused.
Mr. Confused had some issues with breaking with up a guy, basically withdrawal issues, he couldn’t stop talking to him even after the broke up, and every time they talked, Mr. Confused would be hurt… so I tried to approach him from the philosophy of why go after something that causes you so much agony, shouldn’t you just go steer away from it instead of causing pain to yourself.
I am not here to write about why did he break up or what he should do to get through this mess break up. When I asked confused why you still talk to him, he said and I quote “because I feel sorry for him, its hard being gay here”. When I heard him say that I went mental on his ass. Now that’s today’s topic.
I am not going to deny the fact that it is relatively hard here to be gay, as coming out and all that stuff… but hey I lived here and I did come out to some friends … maybe I am special case or part of a rare thing. But the excuse the guy used he said it in a way like we are gay we have our own problems in relationship.
Out of experience of years helping my straight friends through their relationships and giving advice.. or providing a shoulder for the straight guy to cry on. I noticed something, there is no difference between our problems and there its always the same, and if he is going to use this excuse of its being hard of being gay then nobody should ever break up with another person just out of pure guilt. They also do have problems in social issues just like we do…
The fact that we are gay, true makes it harder for us to express ourselves, since the social acceptance of it isn’t that high on the list. But if we start to cave in to this, if we start saying oh I cant because its hard, then what the hell will we accomplish, will we just be hidden in the shadows, NO I DON’T THINK SO. There is two reasons why I came out to my friends, one is to feel more myself around them and stop lying, the second is to educate them, they had a huge misconception of gay people in Egypt, thinking that they don’t exist and maybe only on a number counted on the hand, and those who are gay are just feminine ones, they didn’t think there exist other than the feminine scene. I have introduced them to another two of my gay friends. And its like their whole homophobia went away… not that they were homophobic, they where just homo-illiterate.
So to conclude today’s rambling and on going talk, don’t ever let the excuse its harder for us gay people stop you from doing anything… especially if its something trivial as breaking ties with an old obsessive ex, who just uses and drags the energy out of your soul
Regards,
S.
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