20 Something: another weekend in dubai

so the weekend starts yet again like last time when i met him it starts with a down note... lack of friends lack of things to do, just called on my few freinds and he is taking me out with his straight friends to some straight bar in dubai, where according to him i have to be in on my best behaviour.... appearantly i have a talent of turning any conversation into sexual, i am exhbitionist and well i speak before i think.. so i am very outspoken... all of which i thought are good qualities of me, (pouring a glass of champign for myself)... the thing is i dont want to sound like an arrogant self-obessed narcistic boy... which i am not, but i really really do love myself the way i am, i consider myself mature for my age (24) i have been through alot career wise and personal life wise, i have met alot of interesting people in my life, i believe you mature by learning from others and applying these lessons on yourself .... yes there is something about me that i need to change and that is talking about sex and being offensive, alot of people dont like me from first time, thats a known fact, ask any of my best friends or people i have dated, they would tell you they couldnt stand me the frist two times we meet .... well its becuase i like to keep conversation light and i really dont want to expose how nerotic, sweet, kind, or lets what another friend said about yeah.... a cuddly teddy bear filled with cream, i dont like to appear as vulnerable person, i know we all our insecurities, so i hide them by talking about sex,,,, and havent we learnt from TV, and Music Videos that sex sells!! if i talk about politics and economics and believe me i am very well good at talking at those a person will believe i am tooo deep, if i talk about arts, which i love i dont know all artist but i just like art, makes me too artsy, so i dont know i just revert to sex, and then appear as a slut... that combined with me being an exhibitionist !!! which i have no problem in confessing or just showing....

so tonight i have to be on my best behavoir ... so what i am suppose to do ... put away my glass of champign what i am suppose to wear i have to be straight acting!!! i hate that term straight acting.... because as the term applies its acting!! i dont believe in straight acting.. i believe in fem and butch. and either or i believe you are suppose to be who you are .... He.. (the guy i have been talking about for the past two weeks who i am NOT going out with today) is himself he is not butch... he is not fem... he is just a normal gay guy.... whatever normal is...

speaking of him, i think he is going through a tough time now even worse than before specially that he did something last tuesday, and i think well he is very emotional and he wont show it,... and now eventhough i like him reality is starting to hit me, the question is could we date, how we would be like if we date, would he take me out with his friends, would i introduce him to my superficial freinds, who i like on hi .. bye basis and party basis or to only of the only ones that i know here that hasnt been using me yet.... i had this dream of him last night... i had an island in the Dubai World Islands if you dont know what that is, its a group of man-made islands shaped like the world ... anyway i had scotland, and then we flew with my helicopter from his apartment building and went to my island, where later on i had a private party where Freddie La Grand, Tiesto, Trentomeller Deejayed, it was an invitation only party where only the invitiees would come by a yacht i have assigned for them, the party ended at 6 am and i asked him if he wants to sleep over or stay over he said stay over and we slept next to eachother (no sex) just cuddled and woke up and went skinny dipping... of course all this was a dream nothing more ... but i still cant stop thinking about him ... i tried to analyize the dream... the fact that i held the party was to try to do a gesture to cheer him up ... the fact that i didnt sleep with i mean not have sex with him could mean either i view him in a friendly way or that i view him in a more long term way (FROM TWO DATES) ... the truth and in reality i am viewing him in both ways....


oh welll i hope this weekend turns around like the last one i had when i met him, i hope it turns around because of him, that me and him do something nice,,,, i want to go out with him and play a game of squash... lets see if this might happen this weekend :)

Cheers,
S